My Thoughts on Commitment
For those of you who knew me 10 years ago, you’d be very surprised to hear that I’m getting married in 1 month! In 2016, I was a staunch environmentalist and feminist, a nonbeliever in the old tradition of marriage, tying a woman to a man. I didn’t believe in having a family; I thought it was a waste of my life and that I’d get more satisfaction out of a high-powered career. I believed the feminist rhetoric that freedom, autonomy, and self-determination would be the greatest things that could be achieved in life.
Surprising to myself and to many who knew me then, most of all my parents, is that I no longer hold this belief (at least to the same degree). I still believe Women should be empowered, I still believe in self-determination, I still believe in fulfilling potential, etc. But there are a few things that made me change my stubborn mind, especially about marriage.
Not getting married is living a life of “optionality.” You haven’t given a life commitment to your partner, but you could still be life partners, you just “haven’t decided yet.” You never know - you might drift apart, have a change in life trajectory, and want different things. This is what I used to think, but I now see this as a scapegoat, avoiding the decision. As soon as you make the decision, it’s pretty liberating, it’s saying, “I accept you and all your quirks and brilliances, I’m committing to a life making our lives better every day.” There’s no more perpetual wondering “should we or shouldn’t we continue our lives together.” I’m going to be saying that in front of my closest family and friends, and so will my partner. A commitment device surrounded by our biggest supporters, what wouldn’t give a bigger chance of success?
I also think there’s something beautiful about commitment while you’ve both not succeeded, you’ve still got bold ambitions, and you help each other reach those bold ambitions together. There’s something humbling and deeply wonderful about loving someone even when you are nomadic and without a successful career, maybe this is just the romantic in me.
I think I was scared of staying unhappily married and not feeling I could leave, but I don’t believe this justified the torment of being half in and half out (for both parties). My partner and I started out in a very “we’re exclusive and committed to each other, but we don’t think marriage is necessary because we should choose to be with each other every day” train of thought. Though this is a nice adage in principle, in practice, it is much harder. There’s still this nagging thing in the back of your mind, when things get tough, that maybe it’s not worthwhile. But that’s a normal part of any relationship; things will get hard, and you’ve got to work through it. But who is the person you want to commit to and watch them grow through life with? Who do you want to spend every day with? Who do you feel at home with? What is worse - is to live a life avoiding failure and never taking any action, or just committing to things and giving things a go.
Funny enough, in our relationship, I feel like a lot of our friends and family have been a glue that has kept us going when things have been rough, and this is one of the things that made me realise the importance of marriage. You are bringing all these people to surround you and watch you commit, and they also become a part of this commitment, to support you to work through things, to support each other, and build a happy life and community. I think the adage “it takes a village to raise a child” also applies to a relationship, to an individual, etc, and now we don’t live in villages with a mega online world, for us, the village will be those at the wedding. In fact we met through a mutual friend of ours, and we’ve both lived with each of our respective families for extended periods. Don’t underestimate the value of the people around you - they are the glue.
I know we aren’t married just yet - still 1 month away, but our engagement has been some of the most consistently upbeat, jovial parts of our relationship yet, and yes, there have been many over our +8 years together, but this has been the most consistently giddy, full of laughter, kindness, ease, simplicity. We’ve worked through many things together over the years, and we are now at a place where we know and accept each other's weaknesses, and there’s a playfulness and safety in how we interact. It makes me wish we’d gotten married 5 years ago!
I used to think everything unconventional was good, that being conventional was boring and unnecessary, and uncreative. But I’ve largely changed my thoughts on this. I think some things are conventional for a reason - because it works. Reminds me of Chesterton's fence - Marriage has existed for at least 4,000 to 5,000 years, so why am I to say it’s a terrible system and doesn’t work? Why am I 0.0001% special to say so? I used to also dislike marriage because to me it had deep roots in religion, but heck, it was around before Christianity. I think the things I don’t like about marriage are the things that I don’t like about bad relationships, more than it is about marriage itself. E.g. I would be unsatisfied with a partner who expected me to do everything and didn't contribute himself, who didn't value my opinions etc. Whereas I am satisfied when we both respect and appreciate each other, we both contribute to making each other's lives better every day.
I used to also think all optionality was good. I still struggle with it, because of how good it is to have choices. However, the problem is that you can end up spinning your wheels, splitting your time, thought, and energy across too many problems, and spreading yourself too thin. The modern-day encourages optionality with non-committal relationships, nomadic living (guilty), and the ability to change careers without having to do a 5-year training before being qualified for the job (I’m thinking about you French bakers - but aren't the pastries phenomenal). But with optionality you risk losing compounding value, you switch location every few months and you don’t build close relationships with those around you, you don’t know your neighbours and so you feel you can’t ask them for a lemon because you’ve forgotten to get one from the shop and you need it in your recipe, you can’t ask your neighbours to babysit your kids in an emergency because you need to go the hospital. You keep switching jobs, so you don’t gain expert knowledge in one area, you end up just being mediocre at everything.
It took me 10 years to figure this all out, but I think my 30s are going to have a lot more commitment and conventionality than 20-year-old Flo could ever imagine, but just as much creativity and curiosity. I’m still unconventional at heart, but I hope to be more intentional in where I choose to be unconventional, rather than just choosing to be unconventional about everything for the sake of it. I still believe in being curious, exploring the world, and understanding opinions, but I hope to be more focused in my time and energy, and here’s to my first big commitment, marrying the love of my life!